apocalyptic-symmetry

a rhythm rises in my chest, one that i know all too well, a steady beat of heart, a soft sick sadness, this is the song of missing you. tears are the notes hanging with sorrow, dancing behind my heart, who is playing treble clef, a sadness flashes across my features. i worry for you, to fill the spaces of your absence, i think of you, to fill the cracks in my heart.

there's a sharp whine in my ears, a reminder of the silence around me. you're not here. the thought crosses my mind over, and over, and over. you're not here, and i don't want to be here. i glance towards the window, my eyes scanning the scene beyond my walls. birds hopping about, dogs rolling around in the muddy earth. it looks happy, and i'm jealous, because i wish to be happy. i've been stuck for so long, longing for presence of somebody, anybody, and especially you. it isn't as if we never see each other, but that quick hello-goodbye kiss and run isn't working for me anymore. too many lonely nights leave gashes, scabs, bites on my arms

my nerves fray. nails into skin, i scratch. i don't remember how the scratching started, but i do remember the urge. nobody ever wanted me to hurt, and that included myself. i look down at my arms, the victims of my self-esteem. cuts, bruises, scratches. when i was feeling hurt, so was my body. i never wanted the attention. when you see the girls on mtv, the ones who slash across the wrist, it's not the same.those were the girls subject to "emo" jokes and ridicule. i didn't want to be one of them. i hurt because of the nervousness, the anxiety and vomit feeling pushing into my throat. the feeling that makes me wonder if i should be patient

the busyness, buzz, the constant drone of life, contrasted by the quick silence of the dead. living is a mechanical movement, jerks and pulls, unnatural. and we simply deal until shutdown. but i want to flow. i'll cling to your skin like cloth, static, the cold morning dew. you are my constant. far and met once, i loved you in short moments between the chaos, you were there. you had a smile, a laugh that could cure the cancer in my cold heart. yet, forbidden, i long. held breath, crossed fingers, i wait. you were my prince, my constant. you crowd my thoughts, direct my flow, and escape from you is far past possible.

your hate for me is ice cold, but burning in contact words sharp, icicles, causing frostbitten heartbreak.

your eyes gleam, waterfalls of emotion, that still when looked upon and rush when unattended.

hey again it's three a m the part of the night where i grow dizzy, drunken with the sorrows and lusts of my own deep thought. it's the type of three am where i'm not sure what i'm doing anymore. the type of three am where all my feelings spill like waterfalls but my tounge is a dam not quite strong enough and the words slip through my teeth, grit and dust, unstoppable, the hopeless love mixed with vile words, a thousand curses and tales of when it was all so easy. i never loved you like i should have, it's that same story told in old country songs want you back, need you back the same desperate southern man who sings about cars and